It is not a secret to hide this anymore. Writing has always been cathartic and gifted me with a safe release valve for many stresses in my life. It is just not venting out my emotions but helps me keep a record of my memories in words.  My consistent revisit helps me relieve and reassess at whim and keeps me honest about my life.

It was a normal weekend and I had been busy with household chores. But something kept bothering me and I felt my heart swollen, though I did not understand why. And I started working on my slides for my Autism Awareness program and I broke out uncontrollably for the first time after many years.

My little boy is turning 18. That’s it… Anyways, I did not share this grief with anyone around me. It was not easy at all. The only person who can understand that is my son. He can read my mind through my eyes.  So, I decided to write this to him.

It took me lot of courage to post this page from my memory book, but I know these thoughts will resonate with somebody, somewhere.

Dear Adhu,

Even though you may not read this now, I think it’s necessary and it’s filled with Mummy’s typical “gibberish”, I needed to write it to clear my head.

Everything was going fine, until I started planning your Birthday.

 As I sent out the invite, my heart felt heavy, I had been choking all through the day.  What I am going through right now is unexplainable, it is not easy to share this feeling with anyone.

No one will ever understand this other than you, some might try to sugar coat, some might cry with me, some might just listen with no help, some might try to digress thinking they are helping me, and the rest might think I am overreacting.

You had been always my best teacher, so I decided to write it to you than to reveal to anyone.

Son, I am extremely proud of you, but somewhere deep within me, even without my knowledge maybe I thought you are still a baby, and we will get over this. I am sure it is dumb; I have been going over everywhere speaking about Autism, and creating awareness, but still, I am your mother – it is okay for me to swallow my pride and say I have a meltdown today.

And you beautifully sensed it, as you played with your jigsaw puzzle, you gave that sad look “Mummy, am I the reason for tears in your eyes? “And then you came closer to pat my back and gave me that precious smile which reflected every thought of yours. What did I do to deserve such love from you, my dear boy? Am I really worthy enough?

All I want is you to be happy, and I want the whole world to see that love and intelligence in you. I am very sorry, if I am not doing my bit to make them see how beautiful you are within. Trust me, I am trying. Hard. Maybe I am not smart enough. You have taught me patience, perseverance but I still don’t know how to make everyone understand you. I am sorry.

How can I explain to everyone that words are not the only mode of communication?

How should I explain you are like any other teenager, talk to him as you speak to anyone else?

How should I explain even if you are not responding , not looking at other people’s eye you are still listening?

I know how much you are hurt when someone asks questions about you – “Can he understand? Does he know this? And appreciate you when you say hi, thank you as if that is the maximum you can do? You showed me what is “not giving up” means – but sometimes I am desperate to give up everything and then I see that beautiful heart and mind of yours and in no time I swing back. I am your mother; it is my duty to protect you and help you show what you really are. But I don’t know if I am doing justice to my role….

I love you for helping me see the way you view the world and for not giving up on me for my lack of understanding. I am learning every day with you.

I had faced many tough situations, in the past but I always find my way out and plan everything meticulously. Since my childhood planning was easy for me, Now I am not sure how to plan your life and for how long? Where should I start ? Am I doing the right thing? As you turn 18, I have numerous questions on my mind and no answers. I am shattered.

On your birthday all I have to say is,

It may be difficult for you to understand, but, through all my mistakes, through all my successes, through all the highs and lows, I did it all because I love you.

Hope is my driving force. I am sure it will keep us both reach a milestone soon. And I wish Someday they all see your beautiful heart and mind.

       Loving Mom

Now as I read this letter almost after a year, my eyes swell but I still can’t recall – What stopped me from publishing this?

“The first step towards healing is the understanding of your position in life”

Acceptance of one’s situation as it is without any form of manipulation, marks the beginning of the next journey where things can only get better.

These makes more sense now, and here you go, I picked courage to publish this.

Though this letter is going to help me preserve my memories, I am not a person who want to be stuck in the past and I have miles to go before I sleep.